The Elder Chronicles: Uncle Ron Has Fun With Florida

March 7, 2023

I used to tell my wife that my life’s goal was to visit all 49 states… all of them except Florida. Reason being it looked like a horrible, hot, place with all kinds of ugly innards that could never make up for all those beautiful beaches. Heaven’s Waiting Room. Miles and miles of mini-malls (and midi-malls and maxi-malls). And alligators and swamps and ole timey Southern folks that folks like me (east coast elites?) just couldn’t understand. Of course I was only half serious. And sure enough, she jets me to South Beach for my 50th birthday and it was fun. Funky street life, art deco designs and tons of people from just about everywhere. Diverse? Oh, hell yes! I’ve been plenty of times since, Clearwater Beach, Dunedin, Key West (sorry, but I’ll pass on Orlando…so far). It just seemed a much cooler, low key place than I imagined.

Who’d have thought it would be the testing ground for some dude to see if he can convince those folks that he knows better than them about how to run their lives. All while telling them he’s actually protecting their rights to run their own lives. It’s a bit of pretzel logic, but hey, why not?

Some of these political folks have some whacky ideas but they usually try to sneak them in slowly without really calling a lot of attention to themselves. Orange Baby sort of changed that trajectory. Not so much about changing things as much as changing how we talk about things. Used to be you’d choose your words carefully. Now you just say shit and wait. And when nothing happens, just say more shit. Luckily OB didn’t really get a lot done (except, of course, changing the entire course of America’s judicial system for the next generation, which was more accidental than strategic, but, whatever). But he made an art of telling folks to be scared of shit that wasn’t scary and to put their full faith and trust in him. A pathological liar of Herculean size.

So now comes Uncle Ron, Florida’s reigning head honcho. Uncle Ron doesn’t just say shit. And Uncle Ron doesn’t just lie. He does shit and tells you it’s for your own good, even if it isn’t. He tells you that you should have the right to decide what things should be said (or not), what things should be taught (or not), and what books should be read (or not). And how do you make this happen? We’ll, actually, you don’t have to because he’ll do it for you.

Parents should have the right to decide what is taught in school. Right? Makes sense. Isn’t that why they have school boards and PTAs? Parents can be part of that, if they want. And they have been. For decades. But apparently that’s not really the best way for parents to decide. The best way is for politicians to just tell them what is allowed. Right?

And like your traditional Republican, Uncle Ron is a fierce defender of capitalism. Limiting regulations, letting corporations be in control of the activities of their business. As long as those activities don’t embrace certain (but clearly not all) unproven social concepts that might endanger somebody’s (?) sensibilities. In which case, here-to-fore unexpected regulations may be implemented to accomplish some unexplained goal that might, by some, be considered punishment. Which I’m sure most pro-business, conservative people wouldn’t mind. Right?

Apparently there are a few things that really get under Uncle Ron’s skin (which, oddly enough, happens to be white). Well, maybe not even, but he sure likes to talk about them a lot and apparently they are very, very bad. One is WOKE(?). Another is CRT (Critical Race Theory). And another is DEI (Diversity, Equity and Inclusion). And we are lucky enough that he is in charge of making sure those things are stopped. Nixed. Not mentioned anywhere, any time, at all, wherever he has the power (or not) to stop them.

And it seems like he has figured out how to stop those horrible things. Nip them right in the bud, right at the beginning. Where they’re taught. Oops, sorry. Indoctrinated. And where is this indoctrination happening? In schools, of course. Yes, the unending indoctrination of WOKE, CRT and DEI, in schools is the scourge of the great state of Florida and must end!

So Floridians are in the midst of the equivalent of a legislative orgasm of anti-whatever might be even close to any of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad indoctrinating things that Uncle Ron and his Ronnettes might decide should be stopped.

But wait a minute. I’m confused. Uncle Ron tells us we can’t indoctrinate our kids (which, by the way, is sort what teaching is). So instead, he wants to teach… not that. In other words, indoctrinate them to something else. Like, teach what? If not WOKE (whatever the hell that is), then what? If not CRT (and by the way, is anyone actually teaching CRT, or are we just sometimes mentioning that we’ve had a lot of shitty stuff happen over the last few centuries), then what? And if we can’t even teach diversity, equity and inclusion, what the hell replaces THAT? Try filling in those blanks! Not pretty.

And what if the list is just beginning? If those things aren’t good, you can bet he’ll come up with a bunch of other things we can’t do/say/teach/be. And let’s not forget that those Christians amongst us will be glad to know that Uncle Ron will ensure their beliefs are given preferred status for all lifestyle choices for every Floridian, regardless of their religious beliefs. And what if we’re lucky enough to see a second act of non-indoctrination indoctrination. A nation-wide trial where Uncle Ron lets us know that he will ensure our freedom and independence by dictating those terms, saving us the trouble of defining them for ourselves?

That’ll be okay, right?

One thought on “The Elder Chronicles: Uncle Ron Has Fun With Florida

  1. Put him together with the state of Tennessee, and we can be way more afraid of drag performances than we are of active shooter drills in elementary schools. That makes sense, right?

    Liked by 1 person

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