The Elder Chronicles: F***ing Power Tools

As of this writing, I have or have had four weed trimmers, three leaf blowers, four lawn mowers, and five chain saws. The one thing linking them all together is that none of them fucking work. For whatever reason, I have been cursed by some Black and Decker parallel universe to keep buying power tools with complete confidence in their ability to do the job it said they could do on the box they came in, only to have them not work.

Now, most of them worked for awhile. And then didn’t. Trimmers? The stupid plastic strings constantly get stuck. So I stop to untangle it. Then it sticks again. Get a new reel of string. Try to put it on but it unravels. Try to re-ravel it, put it on, start it up. It gets stuck. Then a piece breaks off. So it’s back to Loews. Or Home Depot. Or Amazon. Take it out of the box. Fire it up. Working great! Yes! Then the string gets stuck. Again.

Leaf blowers? Tried the electric kind. They cost less. It could blow a leaf or two. But a yard’s worth? Nope. But, for some reason I bought another. Why? I don’t know. Just cheap? Lather, rinse, repeat. So let’s get one with an engine. Now, that sucker could blow fucking leafs. If I could start it. You gotta push this plastic bubble/button just the right amount of times. Then set another plastic doo-hickey and pull a rope to get it going. Except it doesn’t go. So you keep doing it. Over and over. Sweating like it’s hot yoga. Maybe I didn’t push the bubble/button enough. Try it again. Maybe I pushed it too many times. Keep pulling the rope. Then, if you’re lucky and it starts, you have to baby the trigger. Too much and it starts to die. Too little and it starts to die. So you keep futzing with it, revving it like some hot shit at a motocross race. Driving the neighbors nuts. While it wheezes it’s way through yard work.

Lawn mowers? Okay, so one of the things I’m not really good at is taking care of these things. The world runs best when you can just fire it up, mow the lawn and put it away. But you’re supposed to do stuff with these things. Gas? Obvious. But oil? When? How much? And how do you clean those things? Aren’t there air filters that you need to do something about? So if it stops working, and by the way, it will, you gotta get another.

When I was in Easton, a guy down the street was selling a ride on mower. Yippee! I bought it (I’m not telling you the price because I’m just not that masochistic). It was great! Twice. Then it broke. I tried everything. It would not work. I put it out on the street with a “FREE” sign.

The worst? Chain saws. Fucking chain saws. You want an electric chain saw? Don’t bother. They can barely cut three-day old bread. Gas powered? If you’re lucky, you’ll have the ‘leaf blower’ experience and struggle getting the stupid thing started. Maybe it works a time or two, but it probably just wants to screw with your head and get you all caught up in the ‘how-many-times-did-I-push-the-damned-bubble/button’ thing as you yank the cord time after time after time. And if, by some grace of God, it starts, it’s just two or three cuts until the chain comes off. Really! I actually have a top brand chain saw hanging in my shed that has never actually worked. At all! As if maybe I’m waiting for a magical intervention. If I ever wanted to be the Texas Chainsaw Massacre guy, I would have exactly zero dead people. No need for a sequel.

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I just stupid? Of course. You can’t have all this happen without being immensely stupid (and short sighted and dim and dumb and dumber). Could I have done something different and come up with better outcomes? I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. Of course! But I didn’t. Ugghh!

I need a nap!

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