Life in the Time of Corona: #1

March 24, 2020, 11:50 am: Two weeks since returning from Florida and self quarantine. 10 minutes from Governor Baker’s stay at home “recommendation.”

When we returned from Florida we were a little low on toilet paper, so on March 10 I bought a 12 pack of Mega rolls. Since then? The stores have been empty. Barb started getting a little worried last week but I’ve been able to get Kleenex when I went to the store. Yesterday we decided to get up early and take advantage of the “senior” store hours to stock up. Stop and Shop, Home Depot, Ocean State, Target, Market Basket: not a roll to be had. Not even a box of Kleenex.

What the fuck are people doing with this stuff? Are they stashing it in their basements? Don’t they realize come summer they’ll be wiping their rear ends with damp, musky smelling wads of useless detritus? Maybe transmitting an even nastier illness into their blood system via small tears in their anal tissue?

Maybe they’re using it for insulation in their attic or to muffle the noise from all the kids playing outside (keeping an appropriate social distance from one another). Or planning a huge Christo-like wrapping of their garage. Whatever it is it seemed pretty stupid – until we started running out and then it seemed pretty smart. But if I find out my neighbor tries to sell me a roll for 20 bucks, I’ll have to shoot him in the head.

They say they will keep stocking the stores, so tomorrow I will venture out once again at the god-awful hour of 6am and search for the ever-elusive Mega rolls. I’ll settle for more Kleenex if necessary, but it’s only the holy grail of the Mega roll that will calm our worried minds.

At least the run on beer and wine has started yet…


3 thoughts on “Life in the Time of Corona: #1

  1. We’re on our way back to Easton. In 30 minutes we will know exactly what out TP situation is. Scared and worried! I might have to do a B&E into the homes of people who have been bragging about how much they TP they have. Show-offs!

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  2. There’s always that stack of old New Yorkers you probably have lying around. It worked back in the good old days and the ink is better now.

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